That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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