don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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