saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
