Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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