I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
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Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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