she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
