You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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