Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
