Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
God I need to hump something, right now.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize