wat bout pragnant strippers??
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
