Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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