I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
