the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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