He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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