When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
