You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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