the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
