Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
