i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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