final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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