you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
