Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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