I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
