Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
