dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
