3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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