The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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