You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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