i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
so much tequila, so little girl.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
