Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
