I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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