paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
