A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
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Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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