if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
