I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
