it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
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Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
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Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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