She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
