And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
