He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
