i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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