I murdered the dance floor call the cops
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
