New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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