It's Friday. Sex?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
