i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Where are you guys?
Drunk
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
