see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
