i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
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He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am available for nakedness
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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