Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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