Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
