I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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