Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
