I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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