this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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