Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
