Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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