i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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