I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Shame - the story of my life.
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