Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
