Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
