Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
