Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
