dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
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I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
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I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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